Is it possible to be nice to a fault? When asked directly, most people will say niceness is a strength; however, if being “too nice” has ever been someone’s reason for rejecting you, niceness can feel more like a curse than a blessing.
Are you really “too nice” or are you striking up relationships with the wrong people? For a nice person, the “wrong people” tend to be those who are overly self-centered, controlling, aggressive, cruel, seek drama, or feel a relationship should involve struggle to be exciting/valuable. If you are “too nice” and you get involved with the “wrong person”, you may find yourself staying with someone who cannot fully appreciate your strengths until you are ultimately rejected.
When people tell you that you are “too nice”, they are really saying something else. It’s sometimes easier for others to label the problem as being “too nice”, rather than to bluntly tell you that you are coming off as:
- Insecure, dependent, needy, clingy, or desperate
- Conflict avoidant, passive, timid, weak, or a pushover
- Fake, false, inauthentic, ingenuous, insincere or passive aggressive
- Smothering, parental, condescending, or making them feel trapped
- Inferior, sub-par, less than, unimportant, or boring
If you have been called “too nice”, chances are you probably tend to take the lion’s share of the responsibility in your relationships. Striving to please others at the expense of your own needs often leads to feeling under-appreciated, hinders personal growth, and devalues you in the eyes of others. This makes your relationships unequal (see equity theory and social exchange theory). In addition, it keeps others from experiencing the consequences of their own actions, and subsequently from growing and learning.
Taking most of the responsibility in a relationship can actually come off as selfish and even condescending. Everyone likes to give and if you are “too nice”, you may not be sharing that opportunity with others. You may be inadvertently sending a message that you feel others are incompetent, can’t do their share or take care of themselves, or should not/cannot function as an individual without your help.
Taking too much responsibility in a relationship can also make you appear less appealing to others. When you appear to work too hard in relationships, you may be perceived as less powerful and as a result, you may be undervalued. In addition, the less powerful you feel, the more attracted you are to people you see as very powerful, which perpetuates the cycle. The Principle of Least Interest says that the person who appears the most emotionally involved in a relationship generally has the least power.
Being “too nice” can set up a problematic pattern in a relationship. It may send a message that its okay for others to let you do all the work and that maybe you even prefer it that way. Some researchers have found that imbalances in power in relationships are related to greater dissatisfaction, psychological distress, instability, and conflict.
My practice in psychology has shown me again and again how important balance is. Instead of being “too nice”, why not strive to be “just right”? Being “just right” in a relationship involves being:
- Honest and assertive
- Authentic, genuine, real
- Respectful, kind and nurturing
- Empowering – valuing the freedom and autonomy of yourself and others
- Balanced and equal; letting others take responsibility when appropriate
- Confident and trusting (but not gullible or foolish)
When you believe you are capable of and deserve balanced and equitable relationships, you are less likely to be drawn to people who do not appreciate you. Not everyone appreciates niceness as much as you think they should. It may take some additional patience and effort to find a partner that appreciates your unique strengths, but experience tells me there is more than one special someone out there for everyone.
If you suspect you are “too nice” and you want to learn ways to create greater balance in your relationships, it may be time to consult a mental health professional. You can find mental health professionals in your area through online therapist locators such as those hosted by the American Psychological Association, Psychology Today, Network Therapy and GoodTherapy. You can also call the behavioral health number on the back of your insurance card or visit your insurance company website to get some referral options.
For more resources relating to relationships and other mental health concerns, please visit my resources website http://www.kansascitymentalhealth.com/.
Ochester Psychological Services 
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. I work with a woman who by all standards everyone thinks is “just so nice!” Her niceness is killing me. Your description of insecure, dependent, needy, et al are her personality traits. Having a side by side working relationship with her has been impossible as she either refuses responsibility, or when she does take responsibility it's to the extreme, there is no healthy balance. Perhaps my hair will grow back now that I know what this is… Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is a great article that I stumbled upon. Thank you for being honest. All my life I have been the “too nice” person and people have told me so but I became confused by the comment. Finally, I read something that makes sense. I do not have insurance and thus I have the problem with learning how not to be nice. However, I do have a conflict: you say try * Honest and assertive
* Authentic, genuine, real
* Respectful, kind and nurturing
* Empowering – valuing the freedom and autonomy of yourself and others
* Balanced and equal; letting others take responsibility when appropriate
* Confident and trusting (but not gullible or foolish)
To be honest, I believe that this is how I am, I was raised that way. So if you are the above, then people may still perceive you as being needy, insecure and just too nice. This is a problem. I have found that people are uncomfortable being around a “just” person.
I have found these issues both at home and in the workplace.
Any suggestions?
LikeLiked by 1 person
To Crossing Borders—I'm actually writing in my blog right now about how to define ourselves. I'm not a psychologist and don't claim to be any professional in this area. But sometimes we need to listen more carefully what people are saying. Not that they are correct, but listen to their message and why they would say such a thing. We sometimes are unaware how we come across to people. some self discovery, which sometimes can be difficult when we are faced with things we thought we were not. Good luck with your journey in life!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great article, it got me thinking. However, as the “too nice” person I don’t feel insecure and I don’t think I need to seek help. I was raised to be polite, respectful and I am, by a combination of nature and nurture, soft spoken. I am genuine in these features and I feel as though people who are perceived as “too nice” are also simultaneously honest with themselves. Could it be that people who are overly self centered merely projecting their own insecurities into the “too nice” personality?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great point Jasmine – I do also believe niceness is a beneficial quality – how people receive it is the wild card. If you have time, you might read my follow-up post https://mindfulkc.com/2014/12/27/wise-compassion/
LikeLike